Sometimes the mourning and grieving process isn’t just over physical death. It can most certainly be the death of a relationship. I’ve heard this used when it comes to divorce many times. However, this particular loss of a relationship is unique in the sense of it being somebody I always looked up to.

There are five stages (some could argue more) to the grieving process. I don’t know if this process necessarily went in this exact order, but it definitely started with denial and ends with acceptance.

This relationship has left a permanent scar on my heart and one that I still deal with today. There may still be some wounds I’m cleaning both from this and from the reactions of this scar that has wounded others.

Denial

I was your girl. In my eyes, I held you on such a pedestal. I didn’t believe the things that people said about you, because you always showed me so much love. I somehow always overlooked and quickly forgave anything that may have caused me pain. The thing about love is that it’s blind. Fresh love. Unconditional love. When you truly, truly want a relationship to work so badly, determination can lead to bargaining and acceptance of things you wouldn’t ordinarily accept or see as natural.

Anger

How could you? Because I’m not giving you validation for your disgusting life choices, you’re going to pull away? You don’t want to face your failures and accept the fact that your choices affect more than just you? How selfish! How blind I have been that you could rip all of these things away from us without so much of a breath in edgewise. How dare you drag us down with you, pass down your pride, your sleaziness, and expect us to turn out wise and humble? You’re the most selfish man I know and your patterns show no sign of stopping. I wish I could shove you off of your pride and rip the self-righteous blindfold off of you. Deal with your problems, stop escaping them through temporary highs that hurt people. Stop victimizing yourself for the choices YOU make. Stop throwing people away once they no longer validate you. I can’t believe I looked up to you, mimicked your behavior, and accepted it as okay. I became just as destructive and selfish and hated myself. It’s rippling into my other relationships. I have so much anger and rage at the things I can’t control I have no idea what to do with it, so I lash out, desperate for some sort of release and explanation. I hated what I’ve become. I hated that I’m so angry about this—why does this have such a hold on me and why did you do this to me?

Bargaining

I was your confidant. You told me things that you didn’t tell most people and I felt special. I felt very protective of our relationship. We had a bond that people were jealous of. I was the person who wouldn’t judge you, I was the person that would give you hope and encourage you. You treated me like I was so mature and needed. I was so in love. I felt so honored. I loved being able to carelessly laugh with you and do whatever made us happy. I loved that I could be my real self around you and you didn’t judge me either, treating me so mature. I could tell you anything, and because of our bond, I was protective of all forces against it. We both made mistakes, we were just trying to live and do whatever it took to find happiness.

Depression

Why won’t I ever be enough for you? Why are you only happy for me if I’m standing in your shadow? If I’m living by the standards of this selfish world? Why does it have to be like this? How could you treat me with so much contempt? It hurts. I can’t make it stop. I wish I could cut you out but I can’t. It would be so much easier. Why does it only work if we play according to your rules? I feel like a failure. I will never satisfy you and make you happy. You’ll never be proud of me and I’ll always be more than you could ever handle. Why did you turn away? Why did you give in so easily? Why did you give up? Why didn’t you want us all to work? I’ve never been so hurt in my life. No matter how many times I try to get back up and dust myself off, the weight from you knocks me down again.

Acceptance

You’re sick. You’re very sick. You’re sick with symptoms you cannot see. Your blindfold has become a permanent look for you. Your symptoms will never go away because you choose to keep them locked away. You run for escape instead of shedding light upon the darkness. You have wounds, wounds that have not been healed. You don’t know how to treat them, so it only makes sense you do all of these things not to feel. The deceived don’t know that they are deceived. I have accepted that we will never be what we once were, not until you cleanse your wounds and acknowledge mine. I have forgiven you. I will always love you, but trust and forgiveness are not synonymous. I’ve stood on the rug too many times allowing you to rip it out from under me, I’ve decided to love you from afar. I hate that it has to be this way and I long for the days you were my best friend, but I know it was not healthy. Thinking about it makes me look back at my scars, that you aren’t even aware you gave me. But that’s ok, I’m going to be okay.